20 December 2005
I’ve mentioned my morning commute a number of times — particularly how empty it is. Traffic lights were restored to some areas today although the neighborhood at the foot of the expressway is still without streetlights. Today I counted four FEMA trailers, which means four more people live there than appeared to be there last week. I also met Gregory, who is living in a tent on his porch because he’s still haggling with FEMA. I’ve driven past his house every work day for the past three and a half years but today is the first time I stopped to talk. (In keeping with the theme of the week, notice the sunflowers on Gregory’s sign.)Speaking of sunflowers … today at work someone told me about some sunflowers growing from the dirt between cracked cement near the projects, amidst the destruction and decay. The parking lot is empty; the projects are empty; the closest building has been gutted; even the fire hydrant shows rust from the floodline. In the background, you’ll notice the markings indicating that the project building has been searched. What you would see if I posted a different image is the date the the building was searched for survivors — almost a month after the storm.
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Tonight I’m working on a research project that I was hired by a local river commerce association to do. Basically I’m putting together a chronology how they handled operations to mitigate damage and river commerce interruption. I’ve been going through emails and conference call recordings to plot their actions, but tonight as I started writing I realized that I needed to plot the course of the storm for the first time. This is a strange process because it’s something I’ve seen many people do since I was a kid. People get free hurricane plotting maps from grocery stores and other businesses during hurricane season, and they plot the season’s movement. (It’s true that I’ve always thought those old people were pretty strange and obviously bored — but now I just realize they probably remember hurricanes Camille or Betsy.)
In a letter to Brooks shortly after the storm, I remarked the it was much easier to to deal with the storm by turning it into a graph or a series of numbers — coordinates, for example. So tonight I starting going through the National Hurricane Center records to plot the path — which is odd. I know, conceptually, where the storm went and what it did. I know what the areas look, smell, and sound like since the storm. But now I’m looking at it as radar — which I haven’t done since I briefly sat at my computer the Saturday morning before the storm and thought: Wah the hell! We are getting outta here, kids!
It’s strange to work on a project that dissects those days, turning the hours and minutes into sets of actions and preparations. Obviously, if people were preparing, the storm was still in the Gulf. And this means, of course, that the places we used to know were still standing the way we used to know them. We had no idea what was coming, but we were preparing anyway — most of us by leaving. But while I was packing my six pairs of adorable but impractical evacuation shoes, P-3 pilot Lt. Mike Silah was flying into the eye of the storm in the Gulf of Mexico. How oddly different that 48-hour period was for millions of people.
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Two typos created today’s blog. Above, I meant to type “A New Word by Error,” but the “l” snuck in. And a couple minutes ago, while working on something else, I accidentally wrote “democrazy” for “democracy.” It’s pretty early in the morning but the theme of the day feels set. At least this Wednesday promises to be funny.
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6 December 2005
Dear Margaret, I know you’re worried. You read that I cry almost every day, at least once, and every once in a while I send you a panicky email. I suspect you’ve called my mother (”Is Katie losing her mind?”). This is a fine and valid question, but I think I’m doing okay. I’m still finding pleasure in the little things, like a cup of Morrocan mint tea at PJs, a book of poems by Mary Leader, the discovery of a cool blue and silver pen Leslie sent for my birthday — I haven’t been able to find that pen for weeks!
It’s easier to stay focused on the positive things when I don’t have to drive through certain parts of the city — and it helps that I’ve seen more of my friends in the past few months than in the past year. People who haven’t left are coming around more. I suppose that in some ways people are the only thing left. And so there’s a togetherness that’s especially cool.
Rebecca reminds me that out of every catastrophe something good is born. Sure, she’s right. She’s much more positive in general, and maybe it helps that she’s angry at the government and doing things about it. Give that chick at sign and she’ll be marching any day.
Even though I cry every day, it’s not like I’m sitting around crying all day. Today I got teary while I was at PJs. I was finishing my work for the morning and getting ready to go have lunch. As I stood up, I saw the cover of Gambit, the alternative newsweekly in New Orleans. The cover story by *former* editor Michael Tisserand is about his immenent departure from the city — sort of a justification for leaving. He has valid reasons.
I’m sorry so many people have left, but being here, it’s impossible for me to get mad at them for leaving. I don’t need an explanation; I see it. Some people DO get mad when they hear people they know are leaving and I can understand this too. Anyway, the teary-eyedness lasted for a few paragraphs. I finished the story, tossed the paper in my backpack, and went to lunch at the Cellars, which has a new chef and great lunches now. See, more progress!
It’s an incredibly difficult time here, Margaret. I can only compare the openness of my reactions to the outside world to the period when Robb and I got divorced — when I could literally cry over a mother patting her son’s head in the Whole Foods check-out line. All these small human actions pack emotional punch. I suppose these experiences could easily be depressing — and certainly they’re sad — but what they are at the core is just human and every day there are dozens of small reminders of our humaneness, our finiteness, and the sanctity of experience. So the experiences are sad and beautiful.
After the storm, I had trouble reading anything for almost a week. The only piece I could manage was “The Cows at Night” by Hayden Carruth. I must have read it a couple hundred times. He writes about seeing a pasture of cows on his drive home. He sees the cows regularly and he’s surprised that he’s still surprised whenever he sees them with their “sad / and beautiful faces in the dark.” I keep coming back to that feeling he describes upon watching them: “But I did not want to go, / not yet, nor knew what to do / if I should stay, for how //in that great darkness could I explain / anything, anything at all. / I stood by the fence. And then // very gently it began to rain.”
There’s a collective sadness, but there’s so much beauty too. People are distraught because there’s plenty to be distraught over. The pediatrician who visited Sophie in the hospital when she was born killed himself. He was the fourth suicide I heard about today — from four different people.
But there’s also a lot to look forward to: I’m learning to play the piano; I’m almost finished the final first draft of a manuscript I’ve spent six years writing; and I’m getting to work from home. And then I got an email from Allison today. We get to make requests about our dorm for winter residency at school. Do we want a quiet or social (aka loud) dorm, etc etc? Her request was just this: She wanted to be in my dorm. You can’t beat that. I’m doing fine. And I miss you.
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5 December 2005
I drove my normal commuting path to work today. I used to pass through eleven lights after getting off the expressway, but today only one was even blinking red. The rest are still not working, mostly because they’re in areas that don’t have electricity.I’m still working from home until I’m requested to be back at the office full time. Today I went in to start cleaning off my desk and to regain access to my laptop, which I was recently locked out of. Most of the people who are back at work have been there a couple or a few weeks, so I was the fresh face. Lots of stopping to share stories about how I fared in the storm and hear how other people did too.
So much about being there was normal once I was inside the office, twenty-four floors above the damage. The dead plants had all been removed. Becky sat down in my office for a minute and she said, “Doesn’t this seem weird — just that this seems so normal?” She said she couldn’t pretend things were normal, she didn’t even know if she could send out a Christmas card this season. “How am I supposed to just send people a card that says Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays like none of this has happened?”
I said I didn’t know how she’d been driving downtown for the past few weeks. Although she’s only been back in our building for the past week, she’d been working out of a different temporary office. Her route has streets that cross mine in the same neighborhoods, so I have an idea of what she’s seen every day. It’s incredible how empty and inside-out the buildings are — where a *good-looking* building is one without a roof, the inside completely gutted, and the exterior still intact. Truly *shelled*. Some of the buildings still have piles of debris in front of them taller than the buildings themselves are. Banks Street is always one of my favorite streets to turn onto, the houses close together and the children with their parents crossing to school. No kids, no school zones. The daycare had a fifteen-foot mound of rotten but brightly colored plastic kid toys in front of it.
I spent most of the time I was there handling technology issues and putting together an inventory of the items I had in a store room that flooded — not during the storm but during a subsequent pipe bursting (nobody was around to report it). I lost a few years worth of print material — I say “I” but I mean the school — it’s simply the work I’ve accomplished for them over the past few years. The newsletters and catalogs and such, they’re not really mine, are they? I mean, they would have existed even if I hadn’t been there to create them. Sure they wouldn’t have looked the same, but they’d have probably looked fine and done what they needed to do. But maybe they are kind of me — or at least some part of me — since I’m the one who made them. But then, maybe they are no more me than any of the other objects in my life. I’m not sure. These are the sorts of thoughts that make it tiring to trample through a stinky, moldy under-the-stairwell closet counting boxes.
The worst part of the day was cleaning out my email inbox. I deleted all of my Deleted messages — the Are You Sure You Want To Do This? Permanent Delete. Yes, I said, I didn’t need these messages for three months, nothing I had in process looks anything like it does today, I’m hitting delete. But it was sad to occassionally delete a message from someone I liked, or liked and didn’t know well, and realize that I have no idea what happened to her. Or where she is. Or if she’ll be back. Or if she wants to be back. Or if I’ll ever see her name in my inbox again. And if it will matter to me if I don’t.
I had a similar experience at the post office the other day. I was in line behind about sixteen people, had plenty time to people watch. The man behind the counter has been grumpy behind the counter for more than seventeen years. I know this because I know I have seen him at least that long; even when I lived in distant cities and returned to visit, he was still the man behind the counter. I didn’t have any idea what his name was. Quite frankly, I was always happy to avoid him. It’s possible to see the same face for seventeen years and never know its name and not care, and then suddenly, you wonder about everything, and about how you could have possibly not cared — and you wonder what’s worse: not caring or caring. And then you wonder which you would prefer: to care or not to care.
So you just delete the next message. And then you’re done. You’ve deleted thousands of emails. You feel proud of yourself, like you’ve actually accomplished something on this first day back in the office in more than three months. Then you lean over and turn on your laptop, which is hooked up to the network, and you realize you deleted the messages from the wrong machine — because everything you just deleted is re-syncing from your laptop. All those messages you deleted, name after name, project after project, are resurfacing. You think: Certainly someone is making this shit up. This is not real.
Pictures help clarify.
The familiar intersection of Banks and South Broad:
Before the storm
After the storm
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