3 August 2008
Most of the weekend has been spent enjoying our new home rather than doing anything. Last night, for example, I took to the back deck to watch the sunset. Sophie stuck her head out the door and I told her to look at the sky, which prompted her to yell, Audrey, hurry. Your favorite color is in the sky!
Pink, of course.
The biggest relief of the weekend was the drafting of two new poems. I have been largely non-productive in this arena since arriving here, suddenly having no plethora of homelessness, abandoned houses, and general mayhem to write about. I mean, really, what else is there? Would I ever write a happy poem about the spider who lives on the porch? Or the fireflies in the backyard? So far, the answer is no. But I have finally found inspiration in place. I thought it might come from the hills with white fences, or the loblolly pines. So far, the answer is no there too. It has come from events in the neighborhood (emergency vehicles, of course) and lively office meetings (see previous post).
+ + + +
I have to travel back to Louisiana this week to read “State Street” at the Louisiana State Archives. Such mixed feelings. Excitement about seeing this exhibit come together after helping with it for a year and a half. Excited about being a part of such an important exhibit. Excited about seeing my family and friends. Not looking forward to the general environment, and don’t know how I’ll feel about staying in my old house, which has been populated with my brother’s girlfriend’s furniture while she is in between apartments. Reminds me of the time I got rid of nearly everything I owned to drive around the country for a year. When I arrived in Louisiana again, nearly six months into the trip, I stopped in Baton Rouge to see my sister in a play. The curtain rose and there was the stage — each of the props my old things. And then the spotlight shone on the actress entering the stage: my sister, who walked out wearing one of my old discarded dresses.
2 August 2008
A couple years ago, a friend sent a few books by Galway Kinnell, including The Book of Nightmares. I thumbed through, but somehow ended up storing it on a bookshelf, unread, nearly all this time. Not since I finished Robert Penn Warren’s “Audubon: A Vision” have I turned back to the beginning so many times to start reading all over again.
From “Under the Maud Moon”
3.
A round-
cheeked girlchild comes awake
in her crib. The green
swaddlings tear open,
a filament or vestment
tears, the blue
flower opens.
And she who is born,
she who sings and cries,
she who begins the passage, her hair
sprouting out,
her gums budding for her first spring on earth,
the mist still clinging about
her face, puts
her hand
into her father’s mouth, to take hold of
his song.
20 July 2008
Never too late to read the Fall 2005 issue of the Georgia Review, and in it Michael Collier’s work. Each haunting, one to share:
SUMMER ANNIVERSARY
It was the night before the anniversary
of your death and the dream I had
was not of you but of a neighbor
who the day before had undergone some tests.
He stood in his yard holding a rake
the size of a palm frond.
The grass was brown and the leaves
on all the trees hung as they do in summer,
patiently, not concerned they’ll fall.
It was the night before the anniversary
of your death and my neighbor with the rake
had not yet heard the results of his tests
and so he wanted to be ready for the leaves.
He wanted to apologize as well for being
in my dream. He said, “It’s not like me
to die.” “You’re not dying,” I told him,
“you’re only in my dream.” Then he disappeared.
But the rake he’d held stood by itself,
and the grass, now green, grew quickly
up the rake and sculpted a creature
whose wings stretched over me to catch
the falling leaves, for all at once
it was autumn and the sky let loose
its winter fox and then its hound,
though neither moved, and so the space between them
grew, slowly at first, until it was at the speed
of the world, unseen, spinning like time itself,
pushing apart lover and beloved.
- Michael Collier
The Georgia Review, Vol. LIX, No. 3, Fall 2005, p. 454.
17 June 2008
Packing: I have moved the same stapled sheets of paper from my desk to counter to dresser. I must not want to throw the pages away, yet have found no home for them either. So I’m transcribing them for you: a collaborative poem by Katie Bowler, Randy Roark, and Michael Taft, written March 20, 2002, shortly before I became a mother. I was in New Orleans, Randy in Colorado, and Michael in Los Angeles. We corresponded line by line by email:
BEGINNING WITH A LINE FROM A VERY BAD FILM
You’re not dying after all.
You’ll see this role through to the end,
or not. There were a thousand
Juliets before you, there’ll be a thousand more.
And a thousand ships that chase each one
to death and far beyond, where peering
from our topless tower we’ll see
around the earth’s curve,
where one of us in inhabited
by another body, and her fingers
are trembling like an astronaut’s
hurled into space, above an ocean
she’s called home, entering a new world
she’s been aimed at — this incandescence
a flair hissing in her brain. All hope,
and goodwill and godspeed
silenced. Look, she’s moving past who she is
to reach the region of what she is,
past the eye or dream or thought,
becoming a mass of cell and liquid bone
splintering into a fountain of sparks
that ascends through the clouds of heaven
to fall upon the farthest stars,
whose darkest regions swallow our light.
24 April 2008
You thought there was an end to the packets!
Ha! No such ending.
Lately I’ve been wondering why each poem I started on was getting only a few cursory glances for revision and then abandoned when I had finally moved onto the next. Then I recognized a pattern I’ve developed since graduating: working on only one poem at a time. Getting it somewhere, although not finished. At the same time, I’ve been working on non-fiction, which I have always done most successfully one story at a time, although part of the prevailing need to work on non-fiction one story at a time is a publication’s deadline breathing down my neck.
So what was the deal with the poems? Aha!, I realized. The problem is in the pattern. So this morning I woke at 5:45 and assembled the poems of late into my first post-MFA packet. Now these poems can talk to one another, which is usually what makes them more interesting.
Little piece from this one, little piece from that one …
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8 March 2008
A Saturday of errands: Whole Foods, some new black tights. Some home repair work. Borrowing a few tools. Re-installing materials outdoors. Some ladders. A hammer. Caulk. Blueberries from the store. Catfish for dinner. An Easter egg hunt at my high school for the girls. Some baskets of plastic eggs. Chocolate. Mommy scouring for the Butterfingers and Reese’s Cups. Pictures with the bunny. Cold weather. Almost just an ordinary Saturday in March.
Then I reached into the mailbox. An eBay arrival for my mother — some tiger-print pants to wear to LSU football games. Some paperwork. And an issue of Louisiana Literature.
I brought the mail inside and announced flatly, “Well, this is exciting.”
– What is it? Donn asked. Are you in it?
I nodded, pulling off the shrinkwrap.
Flipped to the right page. And there it was for the first time in print. “State Street.”
– Do you want me to read it?
So I started reading. Calmly. Sitting down on the sofa. Word for word as the text was printed. Stopping occassionally to say, I’ve taken that out now, or I’ve changed that.
Reading it from the page, as opposed to reciting from memory. All seventeen pages. And, for the first time, nearly all of it came out evenly, calmly, or at least for the first ten or twelve pages, and I just cried, quietly, while I read, and felt how sad it was, and then cried again when Donn laughed out loud for a funny part, and then, when we were all done, I said it felt different, seeing it there on the page, and then remembering Maurice asking me once, or pondering once, how different I might feel when I finally saw it printed. Well, maybe I just feel a lot less angry than the last time I read it. Or maybe I feel some sense of closure in literally being able to CLOSE the book. That must be it.
Or, perhaps the feeling is a sense of the opposite. A lack of closure. Of a permanence of isolated experiences as ones that will persist throughout time. Or at least the rest of mine.
I must thank Jack Bedell, editor of Louisiana Literature, for a fine job of kerning. He worked hard to keep my long lines on single lines, which somehow feels like someone reaching over at the right time to hand me a soft tissue.
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